If you were a child in the 70’s, a Bedazzler was likely high on your Christmas wish list. For those who are not quite so savvy in trends from the “Me” decade, Wikipedia says “The Bedazzler is a home appliance used to fasten rhinestones, studs and patches on clothes and other material”.
A commentator for Entertainment Weekly magazine described the Bedazzler as “The cheap-ass rhinestone studding tool favoured by art teachers and over excitable soccer moms everywhere, the biggest piece of crap sold on late night TV since the Thighmaster and the reason women own shirts with glittery kitty cats on them.”
It is not the purpose of this post to dissect the history and uses of the gadget which claims to take your clothing from dull to dazzling, to bemoan the poor fashion sense of those enamoured with said clothing, or to discuss how its popularity has waxed and waned over the years.
The purpose of this post is to welcome you to the 21st Century, where the Bedazzler is still available on Amazon and where it is de rigueur to Bedazzle your Vajayjay.
I have to admit that until I wrote my post, It Gets Wrinkles Too, I had absolutely no idea that Vajazzling was a thing. I was enlightened by a friend when I mentioned my desire to write about vaginas. So for the rest of you who are not “in the know”, Vajazzling is a trend in the below the belt beauty scene where the pubic area of a woman is adorned with crystals, glitter or other decoration.
The phenomenon known as Vajazzling was introduced to the world by Jennifer Love Hewitt in January 2010. Watch as she bedazzles George Lopez with a description of her “ummm, preciously lady” sparkling like a disco ball: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnUloWnKjg4
I can tell that you are dying to know how one goes about getting Vajazzled. Well, every successful Vajazzling starts with a hairless punani. Whether you do this yourself or have someone else do it for you is your choice. Then as you lay spread-eagled in front of your Vajazzling artist, she will embellish your freshly waxed vajayjay with Swarovski crystals in a design of your choice for a mere $50.
For the more crafty types, there are DIY kits available – ironically, on Amazon.
So, despite your Frilly Lilly being the Mecca for all things miraculous, is bedazzling it really necessary?
It seems to me that there would be several drawbacks to the crystal encrusted cooch.
- It is definitely far from permanent, so at a cost of 10 bucks a day, is it money well spent?
- Immediate sex is not recommended so really, what’s the point?
- If you do succumb to the urge because your significant other is so bewitched by your obvious attempt to bedazzle them, you will find stray crystals in the weirdest of places, for weeks on end – which brings us back to point #1 – is it money well spent?
If Vajazzling isn’t your thing, there’s a variety of ways to enhance your vagina so it feels better, looks prettier and smells like anything but.
- Vaginoplasty is a procedure that aims to “tighten up” a vagina that’s become slack or loose – Price Tag $4,500 to $9,000
- Labiaplasty changes the size or shape of the labia, typically making them smaller or correcting an asymmetry between them – Price Tag $3,000 to $6,000
- Vaginal Bleaching is a specific laser procedure that removes the darker colour layer of the skin – Price Tag $2,000
- Mons Pubis Reduction involves the use of tumescent Liposuction that removes excess fatty tissue in order to reshape the area to a desired contour – Price Tag $2,500 to $3,000
If you’re on a budget:
- Apex Automatic Pelvic Exerciser – for when you are too lazy to Kegels – Price Tag $249
- Vaginal Steaming is also known as yoni steaming (yoniis the Sanskrit word for womb or vagina). The treatment is used to cleanse and revitalize the uterus, effectively reducing discomfort associated with menstruation – Price Tag $75
- Vertical Clitoral Hood Piercing is the most popular female genital piercing because of the quick healing time its natural conformity to the anatomical shape of the wearer. Aside from its aesthetic value, the VCH piercing increases clitoral stimulation during sexual activity and offers the possibility of more pleasure – Price Tag $100 including jewellery
- Vaginal Deodorant comes as a time-released deodorant spray available in four fragrances just for this women’s dilemma. Spray some on in the morning for a fresh feeling, or carry a can with you for a little PM pick-me-up – Price Tag $5 to $20
- Fun Betty is colour for the hair down there (you know, the whole carpet/curtains thing?) and now available in vibrant Hot Pink – Price Tag $12.99 each if you buy 2 or more
Mind Boggling, Really…
Me?? I think it’s far more fiscally responsible to head to the lingerie department of Nordstrom to buy something sexy to bedazzle my partner instead of to the local Cosmetic Surgery Clinic or Vajazzling Studio….