It is December 30 and I am sitting in a parking lot drinking because I DO NOT want to go home.
Various commercials on TV would have you believe that home is your safe place; the place where you go to relax and unwind…sound familiar?? For me, it’s a place that brings one week of shit show that nobody my age should have to endure followed by a week of utter loneliness that makes the shit show, at times, welcome.
The holidays are a time of joy for most but I find them incredibly sad and anticlimactic. I start shopping, usually by accident, sometime mid-year by finding the perfect something for somebody. My closet becomes a haven for a hoarder as I add the mantra bracelets, the unique pepper mills, the clothes, shaving kits, games and assorted stocking stuffers that will hopefully delight the receiver. I shop, I wrap, I cook, I bake and do all the other things that make Christmas perfect for those in my life. And I do it willingly because that’s who I am.
But I can’t help but feel an enormous amount of disappointment when I find the same consideration has not been given to me. The previous statement is not intended to condone the commercialism of Christmas. I understand that it is the season for giving, but hey…I’m human…
My brightest moment this holiday season was rallying a group of people to go out in -30º temperatures to feed the homeless in Calgary. We collected over 300 pairs of socks and handed them out to those freezing in the streets. Every single person appreciated the effort. This small act of kindness does not make me a hero, but maybe, just maybe it gave someone else some hope.
Today I feel the lowest of low and with the New Year on the horizon, there is no hope. I am grateful to have a roof over my head and a job to pay my bills, but what I have to look forward to is another year of spinning on the proverbial hamster wheel while being crushed under the expectations of those in my life to make things work for them.
I am tired…I am tired of trying to make everyone else happy while my own psyche is suffering…and so I sit in a parking lot with the New Year two sleeps away, drinking a bottle of wine and wondering how, while trying to make everyone else’s existence perfect, mine became so shitty…